A Season of Life

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

I've probably re written this blog post in some way or another at least 4 or 5 times trying to find the right words to share. Beyond finding the courage to share that I'm in a bit of a rough spot in the mother and personal identity areas of my life I've struggled more to find even the time and energy for it. I've shared with many close friends and family often times "over sharing" how hard this time of life feels and how complexly exhausted I feel but I think it's important that we share these things. The truth has a way of cleaning our slate and giving us a breath of fresh air and I'm hoping that maybe some other mamas out there can relate, and if you can't -I'm truly happy for you because enjoying motherhood is sincerely one of the greatest joys of life.

Right now things are hard and uncertain. I'm struggling to find who I am as a person, wife, mother while juggling my children's needs and being home full time. There are a few changes in life ahead.. ( my husband Dylan is going back to school and working full time, and we are very proud and anxious) etc. Our son Dash has increasingly had behavioral and speech problems to the point where it's affecting our family and our ability to do things that used to come so easily. And personally I feel stuck in our current lifestyle. It seems like thinks have been building up and the last month has felt like chaos as Dash's sleep schedule has radically changed and we have started getting some therapy help at home. Now, I don't share these things to label our son. I just think it's important to share that we noticed Dash not progressing in speaking to us and starting to change his behavior and become more well, crazy than normal haha. There are many normal things about having crazy little boys but I've been learning through talking to other moms and experts that when you feel like something is off or you aren't able to help your child the way they might need that it's always a good idea to seek help. And we are so glad that we have! It's still very new to us and I will continue to share more about speech therapy as we learn and hopefully progress but right now its just HARD. It's taking every second of my energy and time and I have felt over whelmed. I want to admit that I'm not a perfect mom and have struggled so much to be able to manage my 2.5 year old that has taken up so much of my energy lately, I have hardly had time to eat, sleep, run errands let alone take care of Krew my oldest. It can drain you as a person to not be able to leave your kid's alone, have furniture broken and sleep as little as when you had a newborn! But we are trying and dedicated and sometimes I can't see through this storm.
As a mom I think the most important thing is finding a balance for yourself and being HAPPY. And when we're not it's easy to feel like a failure. Our children notice and it effects them just as much. But then the guilt sets in because when you're in a funk like this you can't see a way out. You feel mad at yourself for not being happy and confused as to what went wrong or why things feel so much harder for you right now. " So and so has 5 kids and seems like life is perfect!!" I know for me personally I compare myself constantly and have the tendency to "react" to things before I have a chance to think it through and I've always felt so guilty about that. Especially when it comes to my children. I want nothing more than to be the happy and loving mom they deserve and when I'm hurting inside it's so hard to give up more than I have to offer.

Through the last weeks, months I've spent days crying the whole day calling my mom, my husband, not leaving the house and rebounding hard trying to over compensate for a shitty day as a mom and trying to make it up to my kids. I've spent days trying to find what works for Dash and what I can do more to help him stay active and happy and how I can better understand what he may be frustrated with, and I'm often left feeling burnt out or temporary relief. I've felt guilt leaving him for any amount of time with someone else and resentment for not being able to take care of myself at all. I've had people tell me they think I have tall together or I seem so happy or relaxed and I have to laugh because if you talk to me for more than 2 minutes I'll lay down the truth for ya right there haha. It's also opened my eyes to realize that there may be other mamas out there that I admire or think seem so happy that may be struggling too. I think about my minor problems with Dash, (no disorders or disabilities) and think wow I can't imagine if this was worse or there was no way to help my son and try to put my small problems in perspective but I want to also emphasize that our problems may be insignificant to others but they are real to us and it's okay to hurt and it's okay to say THIS IS SO HARD AND I FEEL LOST.

I've talked to many experienced moms who have shared "this is just a season of life" and while I absolutely know they are right! it feels like a season that won't end. It feels like life should be getting easier or I should be handling this better and things are getting worse. But I also look back on times in my life that were this hard or much harder and realize it's just so true. I've experienced harder and this too shall pass. So in the mean time I want to share yes I'm alive and things are generally pretty good here. I have many many blessings and things to be grateful for and while I'm crying at the end of the day and my poor husband doesn't know how to help me, I say my prayers and thank God and continue to pray for help and guidance. Because as a mama what more can we do than rely on other women and God? I hope if you have felt this way or are feeling this fog of motherhood that you know you are not alone and that you are doing an amazing job if you are trying your best and praying to be better each day. This motherhood thing is ROUGH and so beautiful. I've tried many times to add a silver lining to an IG post lately but in reality I just can't. The silver lining is that we made it through the day and that's about it.

If your a mama hurting or just feeling stressed don't give up. Make a list of a few things that make you happy or call someone you can trust to come and help you. (Thank you mom so much for getting Dash down today and making me lunch! 445 am was way to early for me to function 3 weeks in a row with difficult toddler) When you feel like you can't do anymore you probably can't and should take a break for yourself to regroup and come back ready to try again. I need to remember that too. You got this mama, it's just a season of life.